Me Talk Pretty One Day

Author: David Sedaris

Rating: 2/5

A bunch of essays which are meant to be funny.

Oh wow, I just realised how harsh I sounded there.

Spoilers ahead.

Since this was a non-fiction book, it’s going to be more of a general review. And by that, I mean I’m just commenting on the essays that interested me.

Giant Dreams, Midget Abilities: This essay was about Lou, Sedaris’ father, trying to get his children to learn how to play instruments because he loved jazz so much. Although I wasn’t forced to learn to play any instruments, Sedaris’ lack of talent was painfully relatable. He writes this after his father made him listen to a Lionel Hampton album.

There was a time when I could listen to such a record and imagine myself as the headline act at some magnificent New York nightclub, but that’s what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip degradation and head straight to the top.

This resonated with me because I always think of myself at the end goal: performing and winning first-prize for playing the flute, becoming the best doctor, becoming the fastest runner or swimmer but that’s without thinking about all the work, the hard work, that has to go in. I remember the hard work and I feel demotivated partly because what if nothing comes of it?

As selfish as this sounds, I’m glad that David and his siblings weren’t good at playing their instruments because I could relate a LOT to that. Also, his music teacher Mister Mancini(?) keeps telling him to name his guitar. What’s funny is I have named my flute (Nathaniel) and although I don’t imagine myself playing sexually (oh god), just giving it an identity did make me practise more. For a while at least. 🙂

You Can’t Kill the Rooster: This was about Sedaris’ youngest brother named Paul aka Rooster and how the parents were very easy on him. Damn it, the boy would smoke pot (I have no idea how you phrase that in a sentence) in the house! It’s funny how rules get so relaxed for the younger sibling. My sister had a crap tonne of rules that she had to follow, enforced by my parents. I remember she wasn’t allowed to use the Internet after 10 PM and she’d never understand how the WiFi magically turned off. I showed her where the button was. That was in Grade 5 and she was in Grade 9. I never had a strict bedtime or website blocks. I didn’t even have a curfew. I guess the reason for that was I just didn’t think there was anything to rebel about at home. I mostly kept to myself or annoyed my parents and Merlin. In hindsight, maybe that’s why they didn’t enforce rules–so I’d get distracted with YouTube or books instead. 🙂

Anyway, I loved how the Rooster and the father had a special bond. The swearing caught me by surprise. I could never call my parents the b-word or mother-f-word-er. But I guess if that strengthened their bond, good for them.

The Youth in Asia: Sedaris’ family had a tonne of pets growing up. Cats which they’d replace with more cats when one died, dogs which they’d replace when one died. Lots of guinea pigs as well, I think. I didn’t like the way Sedaris wrote about pets. It was very insensitive and I couldn’t imagine how heartbroken I would be if Merlin died at any moment. I did like that he finally showed some respect when describing his father and Melinda’s relationship. Melinda was this Great Dane which Sedaris’ parents had.

The Learning Curve: Sedaris wrote about the time he was hired to be a lecturer at a college or something. I knew exactly what kind of teacher he was talking about when he said “dumb teacher.” Sedaris was exactly the kind of teacher I hated in school–the kind who never planned lessons and who you never really learnt anything with. And I hated that Sedaris totally exploited this as a teacher himself. I was so tempted to DNF the book after this essay but I had been on the waiting list for nearly two freaking months.

A Shiner Like A Diamond: I really didn’t like this essay. It made me feel very uncomfortable. In fact, here are the notes I wrote while reading,

7/03/2020

I don’t want to be judgemental or rude but I’m so lost. Did Sedaris make this story up about his sister Amy? She essentially likes to make things up and pretend she’s someone else. I just can’t understand why anyone would want to make another so uncomfortable.* The bit where Lou Sedari kept telling his daughters to lose weight really made me feel sad. Members of my extended family never fail to ask whether I’m looking “healthy” or not as if I’m not aware of my body growing sideways. It’s disgusting and honestly just makes me feel even worse about myself. People can be so mean to each other. I guess I sound like a hypocrite there because I’m not putting more effort to understand Amy. Oh well.

*Later in the book, Sedaris describes the time Amy called him a rapist just for the hell of it in the subway. He got off at the next stop.

Jesus Shaves: This was a pretty funny essay actually. Sedaris describes the time he was in French class and he and his classmates were trying to describe Easter in French with their limited vocabulary and it didn’t go very well. They just ended up describing the kind of food that is eaten.

Oh god, that scene brought back memories of Spanish class. In DP, there was only one other person doing Spanish B SL and neither of us was really good with tenses and we both had a pretty terrible vocabulary so whenever my Spanish teacher asked us to describe a celebration from our cultures, we’d talk about how “divertida” it was or how much “comida” would be served. Always safe options.

21 Down: This was a short piece about Sedaris using random bits of knowledge to do crosswords and feeling very accomplished. I’ll be honest, it was pretty funny especially the way he wanted people on the streets to ask him to show his completed crossword for that day just to feel good. I’ve felt that way about other menial accomplishments too. But one bit REALLY caught my eye.

Because my former boyfriend was so good-looking, I had always insisted that he must also be stupid, the reason being that it was simply unfair for someone to be blessed with both chiseled features and basic conversational skills.

This was SO true! In school, I’d make myself feel better when I looked at the slim or pretty girls (or sometimes slim AND pretty) by saying, “At least you’ve got a decent brain,” only to come to uni and realise that mine isn’t quite good enough. And I will honestly admit that I look at the attractive medics and ooze with jealousy because they’ve got the best of both worlds and it’s SO not fair. You can’t be smart AND attractive, damn it!

The City of Light in the Dark: If I recall correctly, this essay was about the primary way Sedaris spent his time in Paris–watching movies. He describes the theatres and compares American theatre-goers to French ones. He writes the following about a New York film screening when he tried to get this guy to stop talking,

“Well…yeah. What about it?” He said this with no trace of shame or apology. It was as if I’d asked if he planned to circulate his blood or draw air into his lungs. “Gee, why wouldn’t I?” I moved away from the critic and found myself sitting beside a clairvoyant who loudly predicted the fates of the various characters seen moving their lips up on the screen. Next came an elderly couple constantly convinced they were missing something. A stranger would knock on the door, and they’d ask, “Who’s he?” I wanted to assure them that all their questions would be answered in due time, but I don’t believe in talking during movies, so I moved again, hoping I might be lucky enough to find a seat between two people who had either fallen asleep or died.

It’s a bit morbid but strangely something I could connect to. When my sister visited Edinburgh over the December break, she kept comparing Scottish people to Americans, remarking the former were far more polite so I guess I now have a very distorted stereotype of the typical American being loud in theatres. In Edinburgh, the theatre actually has an announcement telling you to shut up in a polite way. It’s one of my favourite parts of the film-going experience. There’s this deep voice which says hello and tells you to embrace the silence.

Also, the elderly couple–my father is EXACTLY like that. I remember my whole family went to watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens. My sister and I sat in the row before my parents’ but our seats were directly in front. Throughout the film, I could only hear my father asking, “But who is this funny girl?” and “Why are they waving those traffic sticks?” and “Where did he come from?” Watching a film with my father is a nightmare. Even TV shows. Oh god, Star Trek. “Who’s Kirk again? The one with the funny ears?” (Sorry, Papa, but it’s true!)

I Pledge Allegiance to the Bag: Sedaris talks about how when in France, he’d sometimes get attacked and forced to defend the States. Not literally. In conversation. Some agreement wouldn’t be signed by the president and Sedaris would be held responsible. He’d become the embodiment of the USA. I found this quite relatable–both ways. A lot of my friends haven’t met people like me who comes from such an international background (and it’s not even that international hahaha) and I would be forced to defend India or the whole of Asia for behaving a certain way. They’ll say stuff like, “You guys let this happen,” or whatever.

I guess I do it too. When there was a discussion about British colonisation, I remember telling my British friends, “This is what you guys did to my country.” It’s quite sad that we do that. I don’t think we’re responsible for what our ancestors did, given we hold more open-minded views of each other. And we can’t really take credit for government decisions. I also found it interesting that Sedaris was unaware of the stereotypes people had of Americans. I guess part of me just thought stereotypes about Americans are true because they’re Americans while being fully aware that stereotypes about Asians are most definitely not true. I guess that makes me a hypocrite as well. 🙂

Smart Guy: Sedaris writes about the time he took an IQ test and got a horrendous score. This IQ story really resonated with me. Recently in the news, there had been coverage of this three-year-old or something being the youngest member in the UK MENSA. So I took the test. Also, when I say “recent,” I mean early January-ish. Anyway, I took the test and my score was not anything spectacular and it made me feel bad even though, yes, I know IQ isn’t everything. My flatmates made me feel better–they both scored lower than me. And then one of them sent me an “IQ test” which had questions like “What is 8 x 3?” and my score in that was off the charts. It was definitely an ego-booster. Reminders of your stupidity and averageness always hurt but good flatmates make it easier to handle.

Oh, who am I kidding, I’m still insecure about my intelligence. And that encounter just made me love my flatmates more.

I’ll Eat What He’s Wearing: This was the last essay in the collection and was about Lou Sedaris (the father) always hoarding stuff, or buying the cheapest groceries. It starts with him telling a bunch of David’s friends that he found something brown in his suitcase and took a bite because he thought it was a cookie. The middle part of the essay is an explanation to Lou’s habit and then the story concludes with the brown bit being part of Lou’s hat. So a part of the story was how Lou would eat stuff at the supermarket. As in,

Accompanying him to the grocery store, my sisters and I were encouraged to think of the produce aisle as an all-you-can-eat buffet.

And, oh my god, my sister and I used to do this in Tops market too! There used to be this salad bar and the grated carrots would just be sitting there so when we thought no one was looking, we’d grab a handful. Why put them outside if they weren’t meant to be eaten, right? And then once, my mother and I went grocery shopping, my sister having succumbed to mindless teenage drama, and I grabbed a handful of grated carrots not realising someone had seen.

An American woman told me off for doing so and I kept my head down for the entirety of that shopping trip. I never touched another vegetable from the salad bar ever again (that was sold in the supermarket).

***

Whew, that was a lot. I didn’t realise I had so much written down on post-its. It definitely makes me question the 2/5 rating.

The thing is most of the stories were really boring. And I don’t think I really like Sedaris. He just seems to be the epitome of what I hate in humanity–lazy, insensitive, ready to take advantage of any- and everything. There were many instances where I genuinely asked myself, “Why are you even reading this?” because it was so boring. I came to dread reading and during my study breaks, I’d watch random YouTube videos instead. I really had to force myself to sit and READ. And now, I feel so free! 🙂